Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize