oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
