So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
