i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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