apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
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I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
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Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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