Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
How's work?
Spinning.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
