K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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