Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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