Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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