I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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