I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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