I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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