There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
