and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
