Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
