You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
