I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
