a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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