Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
