Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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