I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
