she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
