You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
