I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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