In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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