I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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