i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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