Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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