the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
