Christians are straight up FREAKS
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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