If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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