Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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