Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
