when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
