You're my little dorito
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
