Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
