Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
