her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
