I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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