I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
