If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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