eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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