I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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