Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
