Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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