I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I am mentally ready for anal.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
