so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I think my fart just growled at me.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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