just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
