no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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