woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
