I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
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we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
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I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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