forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
