My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
