The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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