he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
