I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
