I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
