i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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